I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
