dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
