i wish starbucks made bloody marys
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
