oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
COCAINE IS GR8
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
