Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
This gyro tastes like lonliness
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
