I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
