his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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