we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
