i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I AM VODKA MAN
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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