I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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