she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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