Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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