I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
