I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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