Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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