I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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