broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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