That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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