She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
