I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
