I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
