My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
