I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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