Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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