Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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