So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
