How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
