i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
