Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Found your dick twin last night
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
