I just pynch a tree in the face
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
