when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i love accidental penises.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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