Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
