he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
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Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
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I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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