I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
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I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
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You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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