Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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