Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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