just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
