I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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