so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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