just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
