she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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