She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
