I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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