Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
