i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
