if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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