yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
