I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
