My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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