I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
