you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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