I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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