im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
