so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
