Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
