The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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