My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
