i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
